I do.
Truly, madly, deeply. The type of love where you want them to be a better person and want their happiness above your own. But the best part is, they love you too, and they'd never ask you to change and would never let you put their happiness above yours.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Conflicted and Convicted
When God shines his light on you, it is so bright, so beautiful, and so blinding.
Finally, a light seems to be breaking through on Josh's condition.
The working diagnosis now is meningitis. Apparently, his first TWO spinal taps were so bloody that they were masking the meningitis. He is not responding to antibiotics, still has peaks and huge spikes in temperature, but it seems like we're working with viral meningitis.
I never thought I'd be so happy to say someone has viral meningitis, but it's waaayyy better than bacterial. His Dr. today told me she's only seen three cases of bacterial meningitis in her 13 years of being a Dr. and only one survived.
So now, it's a wait and see. His body is making the antibodies to fight this thing. Isn't God amazing? Isn't it so amazing that God in his greatness designed these incredible bodies with all the tools to heal itself. Then, God gave us this incredible science to help the body along.
As one who is preparing to enter medical school, I seem to be a bit of an anomaly amongst my classmates. The more they study the body, the more they fall in love with science and almost begin to worship it. But, the more I study the body, the more I fall in love with God. I see his grace and, for lack of a better word, amazingness in every cell, tissue, blood vessel, organ. I see the most beautiful piece of art He ever created.
Now for the bad. For those of you who know me, you know I'm eternally optimistic. I try to not just be a glass "half full" kind of person, but usually end up being a, "hey, I think that glass is just a teensy bit more than half full. Y'all see it don't you?" :)
But, I worry now that Josh seems to be coming to the edge of the woods that he will feel he doesn't "need" God anymore. Why do I fear this? Because I've been there myself. It's so easy to trust God and walk with Him, better yet, let Him carry you when you can't carry yourself, but once you're strong again, it's easy to forget how and who got you there.
Josh's faith is so shaky (at best) that I'm afraid he'll lose sight of God's miracle in him. Maybe I should relax and let God handle it, but as a doer, I find it so hard to sit back and wait. I'm not sure what to do.
Any advice is always appreciated!!
As for my faith, I feel like I'm coming to the edge of the woods too. I feel like I'm fighting the enemy and I feel like I've finally allowed God to give me the tools to do so successfully.
Last night, Josh was in so much pain and so feverish that he was convulsing. He was literally pulling me down on top of him, grabbing my face and putting his fingers in my mouth, ears, and just trying to get me closer to him. I know it sounds silly, but I think he was in an almost childlike state. Grasping at me like a child would his mother.
As this was going on, I felt myself begin to crumble. I felt myself begin to break. I hit my knees. Isn't it sad that I am not sure if I've ever actually hit my knees before in prayer? Whether it was the first time or not, it felt like it. I hit my knees in prayer and I fell apart before God. I begged, I pleaded, I humbled myself. I told God that I am broken. I.Am.Broken. I am broken for Christ. How can my heart ever feel whole when I know that my Christ has broken himself for me when I am so unholy and undeserving? I don't know how to reconcile myself. Maybe I shouldn't? Maybe I should allow my heart to stay broken in this way because I know that once I lose sight of the pain, then I'm apt to go back to being complacent.
I've been thinking of ways to worship God and I've been thinking about this whole heartbreak thing. I know that Jesus was broken for me. He chose to be broken for me. God chose to allow His Son to bear my sin. I've also been feeling myself fall back in love with Christ.
What does one do when they've broken the heart of the one they're in love with? They try to make it better. They try to make it up to them. I think this may be a new way for me to worship God. Reminding myself that I broke Christ. That daily, my sins breaks Christ and pains my Lord. And then, spend my life as a repentant lover would. Seeking ways to glorify Him and rectify my wrongs. Seeking ways to avoid the past sins that have broken Him and recognizing and correcting any new ones I see.
I'm not sure if this makes sense to anyone else. I'm running on about 3 hours of sleep since Friday, so my thoughts aren't nearly as coherent or put together as they normally would be, but God knows where I'm going with this...I hope :)
Beyond all the other stuff I wrote above, I covet your continued prayers for Josh. I pray that he continues to recover. I pray that God does not let him lose sight of who healed him and I pray that Josh continues to cry out, "God, help me." I pray that in my quest to help him find his way, I don't become a stumbling block inadvertently. I pray for his total healing, mind, body, and soul. I know that the God I worship would want nothing less than that.
Finally, a light seems to be breaking through on Josh's condition.
The working diagnosis now is meningitis. Apparently, his first TWO spinal taps were so bloody that they were masking the meningitis. He is not responding to antibiotics, still has peaks and huge spikes in temperature, but it seems like we're working with viral meningitis.
I never thought I'd be so happy to say someone has viral meningitis, but it's waaayyy better than bacterial. His Dr. today told me she's only seen three cases of bacterial meningitis in her 13 years of being a Dr. and only one survived.
So now, it's a wait and see. His body is making the antibodies to fight this thing. Isn't God amazing? Isn't it so amazing that God in his greatness designed these incredible bodies with all the tools to heal itself. Then, God gave us this incredible science to help the body along.
As one who is preparing to enter medical school, I seem to be a bit of an anomaly amongst my classmates. The more they study the body, the more they fall in love with science and almost begin to worship it. But, the more I study the body, the more I fall in love with God. I see his grace and, for lack of a better word, amazingness in every cell, tissue, blood vessel, organ. I see the most beautiful piece of art He ever created.
Now for the bad. For those of you who know me, you know I'm eternally optimistic. I try to not just be a glass "half full" kind of person, but usually end up being a, "hey, I think that glass is just a teensy bit more than half full. Y'all see it don't you?" :)
But, I worry now that Josh seems to be coming to the edge of the woods that he will feel he doesn't "need" God anymore. Why do I fear this? Because I've been there myself. It's so easy to trust God and walk with Him, better yet, let Him carry you when you can't carry yourself, but once you're strong again, it's easy to forget how and who got you there.
Josh's faith is so shaky (at best) that I'm afraid he'll lose sight of God's miracle in him. Maybe I should relax and let God handle it, but as a doer, I find it so hard to sit back and wait. I'm not sure what to do.
Any advice is always appreciated!!
As for my faith, I feel like I'm coming to the edge of the woods too. I feel like I'm fighting the enemy and I feel like I've finally allowed God to give me the tools to do so successfully.
Last night, Josh was in so much pain and so feverish that he was convulsing. He was literally pulling me down on top of him, grabbing my face and putting his fingers in my mouth, ears, and just trying to get me closer to him. I know it sounds silly, but I think he was in an almost childlike state. Grasping at me like a child would his mother.
As this was going on, I felt myself begin to crumble. I felt myself begin to break. I hit my knees. Isn't it sad that I am not sure if I've ever actually hit my knees before in prayer? Whether it was the first time or not, it felt like it. I hit my knees in prayer and I fell apart before God. I begged, I pleaded, I humbled myself. I told God that I am broken. I.Am.Broken. I am broken for Christ. How can my heart ever feel whole when I know that my Christ has broken himself for me when I am so unholy and undeserving? I don't know how to reconcile myself. Maybe I shouldn't? Maybe I should allow my heart to stay broken in this way because I know that once I lose sight of the pain, then I'm apt to go back to being complacent.
I've been thinking of ways to worship God and I've been thinking about this whole heartbreak thing. I know that Jesus was broken for me. He chose to be broken for me. God chose to allow His Son to bear my sin. I've also been feeling myself fall back in love with Christ.
What does one do when they've broken the heart of the one they're in love with? They try to make it better. They try to make it up to them. I think this may be a new way for me to worship God. Reminding myself that I broke Christ. That daily, my sins breaks Christ and pains my Lord. And then, spend my life as a repentant lover would. Seeking ways to glorify Him and rectify my wrongs. Seeking ways to avoid the past sins that have broken Him and recognizing and correcting any new ones I see.
I'm not sure if this makes sense to anyone else. I'm running on about 3 hours of sleep since Friday, so my thoughts aren't nearly as coherent or put together as they normally would be, but God knows where I'm going with this...I hope :)
Beyond all the other stuff I wrote above, I covet your continued prayers for Josh. I pray that he continues to recover. I pray that God does not let him lose sight of who healed him and I pray that Josh continues to cry out, "God, help me." I pray that in my quest to help him find his way, I don't become a stumbling block inadvertently. I pray for his total healing, mind, body, and soul. I know that the God I worship would want nothing less than that.
Where we are now
Josh isn't getting any better. If anything, he is getting worse. His fever was almost 103 earlier. He's been on antibiotics intravenously for 48 hours and isn't improving. He is throwing up his pain medication and is still in such awful pain. However, we are blessed that he has no brain hemorrhage or aneurysm.
I don't know what to do next. I'm impatient with the Dr's., Josh is impatient with everyone and he is just absolutely pitiful.
He is so delirious from the fever. He's not himself.
I pray that God works on him. I pray to god that He not only heals Josh's poor, broken body, but his broken soul.
Today, Josh finally relented and prayed for himself, "God, help me."
Isn't that where our whole walk with Christ starts? A simple help me...
One can never say it too often. It's no shame to say it time and again. I know I need to.
God, help me, please.
I don't know what to do next. I'm impatient with the Dr's., Josh is impatient with everyone and he is just absolutely pitiful.
He is so delirious from the fever. He's not himself.
I pray that God works on him. I pray to god that He not only heals Josh's poor, broken body, but his broken soul.
Today, Josh finally relented and prayed for himself, "God, help me."
Isn't that where our whole walk with Christ starts? A simple help me...
One can never say it too often. It's no shame to say it time and again. I know I need to.
God, help me, please.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Different Strokes
My Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on Earth as it is in Heaven. Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. Lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil, for thine is the kingdom, the power, and the glory. Forever and ever.
God, I know you are in control. I know this canvas of my life is yours and you are the Grand Artist, but God, as your strokes change, as the picture forms, please help me to see the beauty even in what seems bad. God, I pray to you, I humble myself before you and pray that you heal Josh. I pray that you not only heal his body, but you heal his soul and show him that you are supreme, you are what this life is all about.
Lord, I pray this in your name. In the name of the Father, the Creator, the one who makes everything possible. In the name of the Son, who broke himself for me on the cross. Who made the way for me. And in the name of the Holy Spirit who speaks to my soul, who is my voice of conscience.
**UPDATE**
Since I last wrote, Josh's spinal tap results have come back. He, thankfully, does not have meningitis. However, he had an incredibly high number of red blood cells in his spinal fluid. There should be approximately 5-10 and he had 200,000 rbc's. The Dr's are telling us that this could be indicative of a bleed in his brain.
He just underwent testing to find out what is going on.
I ask that you pray for him and pray for me. Pray that he is strong and that God's will is done for and through him. Pray that God touches him and heals him and provides his physicians with strength and knowledge. Also, please pray that God uses this to show Josh that life without Him is not possible or desirable.
Pray that I shall have the strength to be a good Christian and to show the way and be a light for Josh in this dark time for him.
God, I know you are in control. I know this canvas of my life is yours and you are the Grand Artist, but God, as your strokes change, as the picture forms, please help me to see the beauty even in what seems bad. God, I pray to you, I humble myself before you and pray that you heal Josh. I pray that you not only heal his body, but you heal his soul and show him that you are supreme, you are what this life is all about.
Lord, I pray this in your name. In the name of the Father, the Creator, the one who makes everything possible. In the name of the Son, who broke himself for me on the cross. Who made the way for me. And in the name of the Holy Spirit who speaks to my soul, who is my voice of conscience.
**UPDATE**
Since I last wrote, Josh's spinal tap results have come back. He, thankfully, does not have meningitis. However, he had an incredibly high number of red blood cells in his spinal fluid. There should be approximately 5-10 and he had 200,000 rbc's. The Dr's are telling us that this could be indicative of a bleed in his brain.
He just underwent testing to find out what is going on.
I ask that you pray for him and pray for me. Pray that he is strong and that God's will is done for and through him. Pray that God touches him and heals him and provides his physicians with strength and knowledge. Also, please pray that God uses this to show Josh that life without Him is not possible or desirable.
Pray that I shall have the strength to be a good Christian and to show the way and be a light for Josh in this dark time for him.
So this is what it's like NOT being the patient?
I'm writing this post from the Emergency Room in Renown Hospital in Reno, NV. Josh is sick. Really sick.
He's the type who has never had any medical issues. Until last night, he'd never even had an IV before. Now, they think he might have meningitis. He has all the symptoms and they're very concerned.
Understandably, when a Dr. fears meningitis, they must order a spinal tap. Josh was ready to go home at the sound of that. He refused the spinal tap and has continued to refuse pain medications. However, he finally submitted to the spinal tap and we are awaiting the results.
Through all of this, I can see God's hand at work. I see how God truly paints with small strokes sometimes, not just the big, bold strokes that we all pray for from Him. If I had my will, God would paint heavy red strokes all over my life to direct me and move me. But, He knows better and He knows all.
As Josh was receiving his spinal tap, I was so anxious that I physically felt sick. I watched him try to lie still through this awful pain and we were so disappointed when the Dr. said, "I have to do another one, this one had blood in it."
At that point, I realized that all the hand holding, head stroking, I could do was futile. What I needed to do was pray. So I took his hand and prayed. I watched Josh's brown eyes look into mine as a recited the Lord's Prayer. I watched as the Dr. moved the needle into his spine and I laid my hands on Josh and prayed to God that His grace and love move through me to Josh and he feel peace and help the pain subside. I watched Josh's pupils dilate as he took in what was happening to him and as he heard my prayer. As my prayers echoed in his ears, I felt him relax and I saw the Dr. finish the procedure.
Josh told me that the second spinal tap did not hurt nearly as badly as the first. He, in his Josh way, said, "I guess the prayer helped." Small brush stroke...
I'm just going to keep praying. I'm going to wait and hope and watch and see the strokes with which God chooses to paint Josh's life and my life.
In the mean time, I give thanks and humble myself before the greatest artist of all, My God, My Lord, My Love.
He's the type who has never had any medical issues. Until last night, he'd never even had an IV before. Now, they think he might have meningitis. He has all the symptoms and they're very concerned.
Understandably, when a Dr. fears meningitis, they must order a spinal tap. Josh was ready to go home at the sound of that. He refused the spinal tap and has continued to refuse pain medications. However, he finally submitted to the spinal tap and we are awaiting the results.
Through all of this, I can see God's hand at work. I see how God truly paints with small strokes sometimes, not just the big, bold strokes that we all pray for from Him. If I had my will, God would paint heavy red strokes all over my life to direct me and move me. But, He knows better and He knows all.
As Josh was receiving his spinal tap, I was so anxious that I physically felt sick. I watched him try to lie still through this awful pain and we were so disappointed when the Dr. said, "I have to do another one, this one had blood in it."
At that point, I realized that all the hand holding, head stroking, I could do was futile. What I needed to do was pray. So I took his hand and prayed. I watched Josh's brown eyes look into mine as a recited the Lord's Prayer. I watched as the Dr. moved the needle into his spine and I laid my hands on Josh and prayed to God that His grace and love move through me to Josh and he feel peace and help the pain subside. I watched Josh's pupils dilate as he took in what was happening to him and as he heard my prayer. As my prayers echoed in his ears, I felt him relax and I saw the Dr. finish the procedure.
Josh told me that the second spinal tap did not hurt nearly as badly as the first. He, in his Josh way, said, "I guess the prayer helped." Small brush stroke...
I'm just going to keep praying. I'm going to wait and hope and watch and see the strokes with which God chooses to paint Josh's life and my life.
In the mean time, I give thanks and humble myself before the greatest artist of all, My God, My Lord, My Love.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
It's been awhile
It's been awhile since I updated all of you. I'm sorry that I have been less than stellar at keeping this blog up-to-date.
Let's get to the good stuff:
In March, I lost my job. Thankfully, I was already looking for another position and was planning to step back out of the corporate world to devote myself to my studies fulltime. It was a blessing in disguise and is actually taking me down a road where I may have to pursue legal action against my former employer.
I'm conflicted over this. I am truly torn over what to do. My entire life, up until a few years ago, were based on and pointed towards a career in law. I believed in justice and the American legal system. But...as a Christian, I can't help but read and feel that this sort of "litigation" is against what Christ tells us. He tells us, "You have heard that it was said, 'Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth. But I tell you, Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. 40And if someone wants to sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. (Matthew 5:38-40)
However, I feel that this company has been so dishonest and so prejudicial and I saw so many illegal things they are doing that I feel as if I have to say and do something in order to protect others.
I'm not sure. It's something I need to spend time in prayer about.
As for what I've been doing for work since, I've went back to doing something that I really enjoy, serving tables. I know it sounds silly, but the money is good, the schedule is flexible, I get to meet and talk to new people all day, everyday. And, best of all, I leave work at work. I'm never worried about work for a second after walking out those doors.
Also, let's be realistic, it doesn't hurt to have a job where you have a perceived "low income" for financial aid and scholarships.
I'm happy. I feel content in my life. I don't feel in turmoil. I wake up and am happy. I am happy to go to work. I am happy to get out of bed. I am in a relationship that makes me happy. I have three beautiful dogs who love me so unconditionally. I'm happy.
The one piece that I am missing right now is that I feel a little strange. I'm not sure what it is, but after all my health issues, I think that maybe I am a little too in tune with my body. Something just feels off. I don't know if it's in my head. Maybe I've been healthy, well, relatively healthy, for too long and my brain is waiting for the other shoe to drop...lol. Anyway, I will keep you updated should something prove to be wrong or right. :)
I'm also still searching for some sort of spiritual rest. I find myself ebbing and flowing between this intense desire for a deeper, stronger relationship with God, and then I feel that I am lying dormant in my half of this relationship. I don't know what to do just yet. I am searching. I am seeking. I am praying.
I find that I am holding my own sort of "church" within myself through my studies and reading and prayer on all sorts of spiritual issues, but I have admittedly not searched as hard as I should for a church with which to celebrate as a body under Christ.
Regardless, I find it hopeful that I am able to admit my shortcomings. I truly believe that recognizing that this is an issue is the first step to righting it.
Oh, and finally, one more update, the last post I posted was about my sister's best friend, Becca Robertson who had, EMPHASIS on the HAD colon cancer. She is now cancer free! God is great, God is good. There is nothing HE can't do!
Let's get to the good stuff:
In March, I lost my job. Thankfully, I was already looking for another position and was planning to step back out of the corporate world to devote myself to my studies fulltime. It was a blessing in disguise and is actually taking me down a road where I may have to pursue legal action against my former employer.
I'm conflicted over this. I am truly torn over what to do. My entire life, up until a few years ago, were based on and pointed towards a career in law. I believed in justice and the American legal system. But...as a Christian, I can't help but read and feel that this sort of "litigation" is against what Christ tells us. He tells us, "You have heard that it was said, 'Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth. But I tell you, Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. 40And if someone wants to sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. (Matthew 5:38-40)
However, I feel that this company has been so dishonest and so prejudicial and I saw so many illegal things they are doing that I feel as if I have to say and do something in order to protect others.
I'm not sure. It's something I need to spend time in prayer about.
As for what I've been doing for work since, I've went back to doing something that I really enjoy, serving tables. I know it sounds silly, but the money is good, the schedule is flexible, I get to meet and talk to new people all day, everyday. And, best of all, I leave work at work. I'm never worried about work for a second after walking out those doors.
Also, let's be realistic, it doesn't hurt to have a job where you have a perceived "low income" for financial aid and scholarships.
I'm happy. I feel content in my life. I don't feel in turmoil. I wake up and am happy. I am happy to go to work. I am happy to get out of bed. I am in a relationship that makes me happy. I have three beautiful dogs who love me so unconditionally. I'm happy.
The one piece that I am missing right now is that I feel a little strange. I'm not sure what it is, but after all my health issues, I think that maybe I am a little too in tune with my body. Something just feels off. I don't know if it's in my head. Maybe I've been healthy, well, relatively healthy, for too long and my brain is waiting for the other shoe to drop...lol. Anyway, I will keep you updated should something prove to be wrong or right. :)
I'm also still searching for some sort of spiritual rest. I find myself ebbing and flowing between this intense desire for a deeper, stronger relationship with God, and then I feel that I am lying dormant in my half of this relationship. I don't know what to do just yet. I am searching. I am seeking. I am praying.
I find that I am holding my own sort of "church" within myself through my studies and reading and prayer on all sorts of spiritual issues, but I have admittedly not searched as hard as I should for a church with which to celebrate as a body under Christ.
Regardless, I find it hopeful that I am able to admit my shortcomings. I truly believe that recognizing that this is an issue is the first step to righting it.
Oh, and finally, one more update, the last post I posted was about my sister's best friend, Becca Robertson who had, EMPHASIS on the HAD colon cancer. She is now cancer free! God is great, God is good. There is nothing HE can't do!
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Please pray for a friend
I ask for your prayers on behalf of my sister's best friend, Becca Robertson. Becca is one of those people who lights up a room and truly can turn any darkness into light.
She, at the age of 30, has been diagnosed with very advanced colon cancer. She is in for the fight of and for her life.
Becca is a true warrior in Christ. A person who has donated so much of her time and life to helping other cancer patients and has truly spent many hours on her knees praying for others. Now, it's time for Becca to get some prayers of her own.
Please pray for Becca's healing. Pray that His will is shown to her while she walks through this valley. Pray that her husband have strength to hold himself up and her when the going gets tough, and it will. Pray for her whole family. Pray for His will.
She, at the age of 30, has been diagnosed with very advanced colon cancer. She is in for the fight of and for her life.
Becca is a true warrior in Christ. A person who has donated so much of her time and life to helping other cancer patients and has truly spent many hours on her knees praying for others. Now, it's time for Becca to get some prayers of her own.
Please pray for Becca's healing. Pray that His will is shown to her while she walks through this valley. Pray that her husband have strength to hold himself up and her when the going gets tough, and it will. Pray for her whole family. Pray for His will.
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